Casting Call: The Bodyguard Take Two

AND I-i-yiiii will always love you-ooo!! Will always love … The Bodyguard!”
If that’s how you’d complete the soaring sign off of Whitney Houston’s ear-shattering anthem for 1980s romance The Bodyguard, you’ve probably been yearning for a remake for years now, and mentally dream casting its leading lovers Frank (Kevin Costner) and Rachel (Whitney Houston). Aka the ex-Secret Service bodyguard and the pop singer turned actress he’s hired to protect from an obsessed fan. Not unexpectedly, he falls for his diva in distress but alas stoically calls it off as he can’t be both her bodyguard and her boyfriend. (Cue the sad sappy violin music — or Whitney Houston song.)
If instead you agree with Entertainment Weekly’s sum up of Houston and Costner’s chemistry as “two statues attempting to mate,” you still might consider casting possibilities for a better 2011 Bodyguard that begins healing the wounds the original inflicted on your movie psyche.
The Bodyguard
With one of the these two perspectives in mind we’ve coughed up a few suggestions for Houston and Costner’s redo replacements. Naturally we expect Houston’s stand in to belt out a 21st century remix of her top-40 Bodyguard ballad.
Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal
Gossip rag rumors have talked up their sudden May-August romance (Jake’s not old enough to fall into the December category), so try a screen test?
Marky Mark and Tina Fey
No we didn’t mean Mark Wahlberg. We meant 80s hip hop hunk Marky Mark. We envision Fey as the smitten bodyguard. Essentially, we’d be picking up somewhere where Date Night left off.
Russell Brand and Katy Perry
Watch them channel their real-life man-wife chemistry on screen. The only catch: deciding which one makes the better diva or bodyguard.
John Mayer and Lady Gaga
Undoubtedly, Lady Gaga would be the bodyguard. Posing as a meat platter or paparazzi, she could blend into any background necessary to safeguard her sweetie.
Beyonce and Matthew McConaughey
Two divas in one. True McConaughey’s acting skillz are solid when he chooses a solid film like Lincoln Lawyer, but that doesn’t make him any less of a mancake.
Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams
We thought maybe this version would make us feel better about Blue Valentine‘s ending.
James Franco and Anne Hathaway
James Franco and Anne Hathaway
We know James can act, and he’s probably a trained opera alto or is currently studying opera, or recently released a rap album or started a jazz band or has some other Franco-esque musical expertise. We know his fellow Oscar host Hathaway is already song-and-dance pro, but we’d like to see her step into some macho hero heels.
Matt Damon and Zooey Deschanel
Zooey has the sultry pipes (see Elf) and Damon does noble action hero like nobody else — this combo could be the one that takes The Bodyguard from blah to B+.
John Favreau and Oprah
Why? (You might shriek.) We miss seeing Favreau on screen for more than a cameo. We know Oprah’s dying to act again. And … well, we thought they’d make a sexy couple.
Have a better pair in mind? Spill the Milk Duds and tell us who it is!

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